Saturday, August 20, 2005
days go by...i still miss you
this is going to be a long post. and a rant. so i suggest you skip it.first off, law school. it's been what, 2 weeks of school? and i'm bored of it already. i've forgotten why i was looking forward to it, i've forgotten why i even applied for it in the first place, i've forgotten what i meant to do here. right now, my days just tumble into each other, stringing themselves out into an endless litany of lectures, times spent in the library (ostensibly studying my law readings but in reality plain MSNing), meals in the canteen, and tutorials. sleep occurs at disjointed intervals that serve to mark the passing of days, and the week just passes so quickly. i wonder why i bother going for lectures. i wonder why i don't do my readings. i wonder why i just seem to be doing nothing, and yet wasting so much time. i think i'm just annoyed, at how everyone's so hardworking and can spend hours closeted in the library reading and reading, and not lose focus, and how nobody seems interested in doing anything but rush to finish their readings for the next lecture/tutorial. ok, i just plain hate the law readings. i'm no humanities student. i only liked lit because the stories were interesting. history put me to sleep. as do my law textbooks now. so i just wonder. and do nothing about it. like right now. when i'm supposed to be reading, or doing work, but i'm blogging. and listening to music. it's the atmosphere of people studying everywhere that annoys me. i slack, and i feel guilty, and it pisses me off that i can't let myself slack in peace. like on wed, when i went to orchard for lunch for the first time in a long while, and i just felt totally lost, like i was supposed to be somewhere else other than enjoying myself in orchard on a wed afternoon. and you know something's wrong with you when you're feeling guilty of enjoying yourself.
next up. hall's awfully boring. as in, i like staying in hall. it's convenient, i get more sleep (theoratically, because the mere fact of my staying in hall means i sleep really late everyday), and it's a good storeroom for law texts. not to mention the free wireless. but i still don't know anybody in hall. other than the law students. and a few assorted others i say hi to on a daily basis but whose names elude me. it's just damned sad, that you stay in hall to make more friends, and you inevitably just end up hanging around all the law students who stay in hall, rather than the people in your particular hall. it's just a trait peculiar to law faculty i suppose.
and home's so far away now, half the time i don't feel like going home. like yesterday, where i was just stalling for time, trying not to get to the point of saying 'hey, i'm going back to hall to pack my stuff and go home'. and i don't know why. partly because i hate to bring my laptop and texts back home, cos it's so heavy. partly because it's home. and my parents will start complaining about me staying up past midnight (and they don't understand the typical hours that a reasonable law student keeps). and i have no wireless at home so i have to resort to using my old laggy computer. and fight with my sister for it (and do you know how incongruous it is for a 21 and 23 year old to be fighting over a computer??).
and also, i haven't been doing the things i meant to do. as in, i went into law with this list of things i wanted to accomplish. last month, before school started, i still meant to do these things. like spend time meeting my friends all over campus for one. among other things. and now, i just find myself caught up in the monotony of it all, just spiralling around this vortex called Law School, a vicious cycle that seems determined to suck us all under, and this situation will only get worse, i feel, when we move into the bukit timah campus (think whirlpool in the middle of the ocean, then transfer that same whirlpool with the same force to, say a lake, and see what you get) i wonder if we'll be so caught up with trying to catch up with work that we overlook the simpler things in life, like living it.
i miss sailing. badly. it's been too long. i use diving as a temporary resort, a placebo of sorts (and a bloody expensive one it is), but the truth remains, i still infinitely prefer sailing. oh, diving's fun and all. i love it when i'm on a trip and i can just ignore everything about the real world and focus on the here and now, and of course, the knowledge that every dive could be your last (a rather pessimistic view) helps in making you appreciate life more. and nothing can describe the feeling of descending underwater to a whole new reality, where you're just a visitor and observer rather than the typical human reaction of trying to make your surroundings conform to you. but my two trips coming up in sept are in jeopardy. firstly, because going for them would mean draining my bank account totally. and right now, i have no way of replenishing that account (and i'll be damned if i'm going to ask my parents for money). secondly, because i don't know if anything vaguely important for law (like tests and assignments) will be occurring during that period. and lastly, because just this morning, when i casually announced i was going diving in 2 weeks' time (using my own money i might add), my mom said i couldn't go. and she refused to say why. only adamantly insisting i can't go because it's the 7th month still. but so what? i don't know why. and she refuses to tell me why. so you're telling me i can't go out to sea in the 7th month? what about all those years i spent canoeing in jc, way throughout the 7th month? how about the times i went sailing? what makes diving such an exception? i don't know, and she doesn't want to say, and yet i'm supposed to adhere to something i don't understand. and it pisses me off. i want my break from endless notes and air conditioning. i need a tan. and they all don't get it.
i miss sailing. desperately. it's been ages (feb?) since i last sailed a laser. the feeling just beats anything else i've ever tried. windsurfing plain sucks. wakeboarding's fun and damn cool, but it's not really my cup of tea. i can do it pretty decently, but i'm not into doing it every single week. canoeing, maybe, only if i could find out where to get a K1. but a laser's special. the feeling of skimming over the waves, when you're hiked out near the water, in perfect balance with the craft, the sun on your face, the wind in your hair, the taste of salt on your tongue. and with the horizon open to you, everything's perfect. (just don't sail at that yacht club near pasir panjang, you're only allowed to sail around the stupid marina) and i miss that feeling. i've forgotten what it feels like, except in dreams.
right. anyways. in short, i want to sail. and i need a sailing buddy for that. because it's boring to sail alone. anybody?
wen was dreaming at 2:50 PM